I wasn't sure how to start this post. I'm still not even sure if I should be writing it at all. That said, when I first started this blog, the idea was that I'd share everything along our journey. Not just the logistics and hoops of my wife's visa requirements, but also the highs and lows which we both face along the way.
The past month has seen a mix of both. Things started off well. My wife landed her first job here and things are going well. The staff are friendly and Janny is happy to be earning her own money, however small. Around the same time, we found out that Janny was pregnant with our first baby. We had only been trying for a month or so and were a little surprised at just how quickly it all happened, but we were ecstatic to have it confirmed. Our first appointment with the midwife was booked for later this month and with each day I began to relish the thought of becoming a dad for the first time.
Unfortunatley, over the past week our luck has changed. After a nightmare four day wait, on Tuesday it was confirmed that Janny had miscarried and we have lost the baby. She was nine weeks pregnant.
On Friday Janny noticed some spotting, which was a worry, but after contacting our doctor, we were told it was common in early pregnancy and not to panic. The spotting continued throughout the night and by Saturday morning it was much more noticable. I decided to take Janny to A&E to have her checked out. At the hospital they took some blood and did another pregnancy test, which again came back positive. After various questions and checks we were told that, as Janny was not having any significant pain, they still thought everything was fine. They booked the earliest possible scan, which would be Tuesday morning and basically told us to go home and carry on as normal. We did just that, with the hope that the bleeding would stop.
By Sunday nothing had changed, rather the bleeding was becoming more heavy and we noticed some clotting. Each time my wife had a trip to the loo my heart sank. To me it was becoming obvious that we were losing the baby. Later that afternoon the clotting was much worse and again I took Janny to the hospital. This time the doctor was not so confident that all was well. In the nicest possible way we were told that it was almost certain that Janny was having a miscarriage. We were told to keep our scan appointment, but other than that all we could do was go home and wait.
Monday was a long hard day. I stayed home from work to be with Janny as I didn't want her to be alone. I tried my best to distract her from what we were both thinking, whilst at the same time preparing her for the outcome of the scan. Our appointment was scheduled for 08.50 on Tuesday morning, which at least meant we wouldn't have to wait another full day.
Waiting for our name to be called before the appointment was a strange feeling. I already knew from the days leading up to the scan that it wasn't going to be a happy ending. I at least was resigned to the fact, even if Janny was still a little hopeful. During the weeks before, I had pictured our first scan to be a happy event, a chance to have the first glimpse of our baby. Now it was something to fear and be nervous about. Although I didn't want to, I felt jealous of the other couples who were no doubt there to share a more happy experience. I felt cheated of the chance to enjoy our experience and wondered why it had to be happening to us, why not someone else?
During the scan itself the monitor was turned away from us so that we could not see what was on the screen. The doctor ran the ultrasound over and searched around Janny's tummy. After a minute or two she turned to a colleague and I heard her say "I don't think I'll bother with the other scan" (as Janny was just under 9 weeks she was scheduled to have an internal probe scan which is used in early pregnancy because the usual scan can't always detect the baby). "you have to, its protocol" was the colleagues reply. At that point I knew there was nothing to see. The doctor proceeded with the additional scan and Janny was shaking as I held her hand.
Afterward the doctor asked me if I was ok. Janny got herself dressed and we were asked to wait in the councelling room. I felt numb. There were no tears from Janny, she simply asked "why our baby not want to stay with us?". I just didn't know how to answer that. The best I could come up with, was that sometimes bad things happen to good people, which to me just sounded pathetic, like a bad cliche of no comfort to either of us. Another blood sample was taken to check Janny's hormone levels and rule out the small chance of an ectopic pregnancy, but we were called later the same day to confirm the miscarriage.
Later that afternoon whilst Janny had a sleep I called my parents and told them what had happened at the scan. At that point the emotion which had been building up over the previous days became too much and I broke down. I'm glad it happened then so that Janny didn't see, afterall "men don't cry" right?
It's now been a few days since the scan. It was a total nightmare watching things develope as they did, knowing that there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. However, things have returned to normal quickly and Janny seems to be coping well. I returned to work the day after the scan, as did Janny a couple of days later. I was so proud of the way in which Janny composed herself and the dignity she showed at the hospital given the circumstances. Maybe its too soon and the enormity of such an ordeal has not hit home with me yet; but at the moment I'm not sure how or what to feel. I don't feel grief like I would if I'd lost a child but I do feel some loss. I think its a loss of "potential" for what our baby could have been more than anything.
For now I guess its back to business as usual, carry on regardless. I'm sure we'll try again. I know Janny wants to try as soon as we can. But I must admit I'm a little more cautious about that. I'm nervous that if the same thing happened again so soon it would be a lot harder to take. I also think Janny presumes that because she became pregant so easily this time, that it will happen straight away again. She tells me she doesn't want to lose time, but I don't think we need to rush straight into anything. We are both still young.
I could say that these things happen for a reason, but again that to me just sounds like an old cliche. Plus I don't believe that. To me its just a fact of life that shit happens and nothing will ever change that. It's just a case of picking ourselves up and getting on with it.
Thanks for reading, hope my next post won't be so depressing :-)